I

Am not happy here.

I

Havent held or been held by anyone in a long time. I can feel it in my gut.

I

Despise the radio. I dont understand how people can listen to the same crap over and over again.

So

I was beginning to forget why I wanted to move out here. I remember now. The mountains are gorgeous and even though I was driving through them at night yesterday I immediately felt a peace. I can smell all the coniferous trees so much when I am riding the lift up. Its almost like a drug. I need to live here…

Working

On family day today. 48 bucks an hour is the only thing I will look forward to.

Sometimes

this job gets me pissed. Covered head to toe in frozen muddy water. I want to be in a warm dry bed…

Once

again I am flipping tables over at my mothers again. It makes me glad that home for me now is several thousand kilometers away from her and her insanity. On the other hand I am also several thousand kilometers away from my brothers and dad who I love and miss dearly. Bitter sweet.

Sometimes

I get so nostalgic about good times I have had in my life that I get depressed. Sometimes I hope that nothing good will happen in my life so that I will have nothing to look back on and wish I could relive.

So

here we go. knew it was coming. stomach in knots every time…

For

the last month or so I’ve been distant and not really wanting to continue and now that its gone I miss it terribly, but its the beginning I miss. It was so good.

cafeteria at school. remember this.

cafeteria at school. remember this.

this is a good point

this is a good point

start living for myself. I have always included a future significant other in my future goals and plans. Ive figured out that doing that depresses me (mainly since one has yet to surface). I can picture myself a lot happier doing exactly what I want to do and living exactly where I want to live. Me, my music, and mountains and greenery all around me at least 20- 30 km away from the nearest small town. ah.

start living for myself. I have always included a future significant other in my future goals and plans. Ive figured out that doing that depresses me (mainly since one has yet to surface). I can picture myself a lot happier doing exactly what I want to do and living exactly where I want to live. Me, my music, and mountains and greenery all around me at least 20- 30 km away from the nearest small town. ah.